Electronic Humour

Electronic Humour, English

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Top 'o the mornin' to ya. This is a beauty !
YOU NEED TO SAY IT IN AN IRISH ACCENT
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help
them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry,
"Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and
leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in
the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike
a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places
them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops
off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."
============== PART TWO ==============
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up
carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then
Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy.
Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy
watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's
remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin'
dat parrot shooting nider."
========== PART THREE =================
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to
the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a
parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff
with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first
der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you
fockin' hen gliding."
=========== THE END ==================
********** A Brief Guide to Scientific Literature ***********
Phrase Translation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It has been long known
I haven't bothered to check the
references
It is known
I believe
It is believed
I think
It is generally believed
My colleagues and I think
There has been some discussion
Nobody agrees with me
It can be shown
Take my word for it
It is proven
It agrees with something mathematical
Of great theoretical importance
I find it interesting
Of great practical importance
This justifies my employment
Of great historical importance
This ought to make me famous
Some samples were chosen for study
The others didn't make sense
Typical results are shown
The best results are shown
Correct within order of magnitude
Wrong
The values were obtained empirically
The values were obtained by accident
The results are inconclusive
The results seem to disprove my
hypothesis
Additional work is required
Someone else can work out the details
It might be argued that
I have a good answer to this objection
The investigations proved rewarding
My grant has been renewed
The First Law of Thermodynamics:
"You can't get something for nothing"
The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
"As a matter of fact, you can't even break even."
Newton's first Law of Motion:
"If you kick a can, it will move."
Newton's Second Law of Motion:
"If you kick it harder, it will move faster."
Perhaps others know of similar restatements of other important Laws?
The best summary of the first and second laws of thermodynamics I have
seen (in 3 statments):
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't quit the game.
. . but surely simple things grow more complex as the cosmos iMplodes
in retrograde time toward the initial collapse of the singularity? Er, or
is it that complex things break down to constituent particles as the cosmos
eXplodes along linear time lines towards chaos (i.e., entropy). Wait. Where
is my local closed system where heat/energy/complexity can make a muddle of
the metaverse's puddle? Oh --i know, I will just sink into the quandary of the
19th century, where the only part of probability that was important was babil
(babbel) and ...oh, dear, where IS lewis carrol when he's needed?: The
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to
relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off
the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the
nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many Virginians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve: one to replace it and eleven to talk about how much
better the old one was.
Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of
license fee (binary only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops
it, and the others call for a planning session.
A": Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of
their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with
the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under
him.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
in.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change alight bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is
Four. One to change the bulb.
A'":None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a truckload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three publications out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third
to shoot the witness.
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